Sorry this day has felt the strangest ever! I really feel like things aren't right. Like there's this strange pause in my life internally and all around. I know it's been my supposed 'debrief' week with my DTS back. But it's such a strange position. I did 'graduate' last night with my team on stage at base worship. However I didn't even know I was because of course technically I am done when this project is done.
But like I said with Cristian there's just this numbness i can't kick. I feel terrible because I need this campaign to go just like the supporters here and around me are encouraging it to be. Thinking ahhh it's so awesome what you're doing and wanting to do, and yet I sit here waiting for Geraldine and Godfrey to get together with me and Cristian to finalize our stupid document that I've been waiting even more so, months, to have as who abstain2010 is. It's frustrating. Because I can't go forward with a website, I can't tell the 'new' team members what to do or how to help because this isn't done. I feel just so numb. Like I NEED to go forward and NEED to do something towards our goal, but I can't or I don' tknow what. OR I don't know how I can make it easier in the future. Ah, what do I do? What's teh next step? Lord why can't I have the faith that Joshua had in that battle where he was losing and asked the Lord to stop the sun and the moon just to have time to finish and win the battle. WHAT FAITH! What do I do? I spend so much time in your word lately, I try and try to get in my prayers with you and yet I don't 'feel' you or 'feel' words/visions, nothing. It's a hard time for me right now because I feel like another week lost and so many are waiting for success and something, 'somthing' to move with!
Beautiful Cristian spent time praying for me while we were waiting for our meeting that never happened. I just need that faith. I need to see success. I need to see God's vision and HIS need so that I don't become manic about this.
I even had thoughts while walking today that, gosh wouldn't it be nice to just quit and go home early. I see Bre get ready and excited to go home as well as others and I am a bit jealous. I have no idea where this is going or how, but I'm here. I have others ready and I don't feel like a leader at this moment. It's about the relationships, saving lives physically but more importantly spiritually. Help me father so I can 'feel' but not have stress, just faith.
I gotta go do something or I'm going to wallow in this 'suffering' of doing nothing! Perhaps I will try and finish our acronym of abstain. Make more contacts? Oh Lord please!
It's beautiful out, I'm outta here
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