My mind is mush

First of all I've been staring at this dang computer for so long. I can't even think of the last time I wrote something so forgive me if I don't give great information or lose you.
Internet has been rough to get here, again. What's new being in Africa. I mean it's crazy because we're not even in the bush, we're in Cape Town of all places. And yet here I was feeling so bad tonight. I fed this old lady and her kids like over a month ago and they sought me out even on our own base here asking for me. It was this woman's daughter, and even younger daughter, apparently she sent them saying I would help them. Oh man talk about burden. They said some long story how I helped and that they needed help again. She talked about her mom making vinagar and sugar to pickle something, and I was like ok, so do you want vinagar? Then she said and just for tonight we have no food? I said I don't even live here on base and am not allowed to give the food out. It was such an akward position and I even felt like I was being attacked. Like I felt helpless and they said dont' you just have something for us? I said I don't even have bread at my house cause seriously I don't eat bread. So man, I just felt bad. I mean I could have walked them back and handed them some of my fruit and a can of peas or something, but gosh it was like I felt so bombarded. I tell you here it's so sad. It's this feeling like we MUST give to those who say so. I advised that they go in the morning to the Good Hope shelter where they serve breakfast and I believe lunch. The younger daughter again asked me at least for some water, I said well I could go fill my water bottle up. It's so wierd being asked for water of my own from people here. Never in my life. But gosh! I mean God says if someone asks, give. Alfred the local homeless boy who's my friend, but also homeless and so is surviving everyday, he's also a Christian so it's great to hear his passion. Alfred though is never in a good mood. He's always tlaking sad and preaching about judgement. It's hard to see these people always curious what they need next time. I mean I think I have it bad because what i live from is from you. It's from my family, friends, and church. I feel so fearful on what to spend my funds on. I am trying with discernment, but man oh man if I gave to everyone I might not have anything left. But God always has enough. I'm reminded of this girl Heidi Baker, who started this Iris ministry up in Mozambique and I guess she NEVER turns a child down from housing and feeding them. Now it's like this 200 children ministry in this huge place that's grown and grown. I am completely in awe of that story.
Then there's me trying to get my mind off of what I can and can't do and what i should and shouldn't do today, so I strolled then jogged on the wind-blowing beach. I shed a tear just asking God to be with me and direct me. I talked to him about my feelings of how I feel I've wasted so much time here and there and I really need to just 'do' something to help. Am I helping? I haven't even 'reached' a soul yet. I feel like so much stupid busy time on the computer trying to get all th eresearch, contacts, website, and junk altogether. It's never ending. Maybe this isn't my job. I had to send out a few emails today to just ask for funds for our abstain 'bands' and adverts we want to even just START. I mean they're not necessary, but they make us seem more professional and presentable to show schools/churches we're real and have something of value to show. My team crafted great video ideas, tshirt ideas, and we dont' have a cent yet to show for it.
Here's where I go back to what am I doing? This blaring clock til the world cup. I mean I so badly thought today of a few options. Take what we barely have and get in a van traveling SA and presenting to bases and any other contacts. Just talking and being out there. That's my desire. BUT, funding, and all the work we have here. I received an email from GWC today with our proposal looked at by the professionals and man there's marks all over and Jordan the main guy loved this campaign, except had to throw out there his opinions of this "abstain from sex outside of marriage" as nto hitting out 'target' audience who needs to hear about trafficking etc. I mean back to basics, it's only a part of who we are and it's the RIGHT message. So I'm not changing God's word to cater to a few. PLUS, I have to win over people like in the churches and schools who agree with this awareness and prevention in order to mobilize themselves to take this message further.
I had thoughts today of quitting and just helping any other organizations. I thought I could go help coach a bit here locally. I could help justice acts in their work somehow I'm sure. I mean, I don't know why the floodgates of money and more haven't opened unless it's not God's will. I'm just not sure where the miracles are suppose to be showing and move this faster in the crazy time I've been given. Hearing that it takes most campaigns 2 years to even contstruct isn't even what I desire to know. I'm understanding this though. I can feel and see how this happnes.
It's just that I dont' want to be Debbie Downer, but I feel like lately. God doesn't tell us to go by 'feelings' but I have been. I'm tired of not seeing people changed. Perhaps this is the tests of my perseverence. Truly though I'm so sick of it. Maybe I'm not made to lead. Or lead in this way. I see Kimberly started 2010 project and it's flourishing with support. However she was and is with Justice ACts so this helps. Don't get me wrong what she's doing is incredible, it's just seeing God's blessings multiply so I'm wondering what route to take with ABSTAIN2010.
Then again, all those who have put in time and believ ein this, I just don't knwo if I'm going on to please them or what? I mean the guy Martin from the Silver Ring Thing is responding to my emails with excitement and encouragement is great. BUT I replied 2 times now saying Martin I can't do this or that or even ask celebrities to support something that doesn't even have hand outs printed because we have no money. We don't even really have much South Africans supporting. We don't even have a person who can drive us to the next town without hiring the base van or asking a friend.
Oh I'm so complaining. I'm sorry. I just want to have fun. I'm in this amazing city and want to enjoy it and the people and stop being in here trying this and that. Lord please help me. Please help make this happen. Please help direct us and guide us. Intercession is needed.
Well to get back on track, this weekend was alright. Went too fast and I dont' see myself getting out. I turned down box seats to the Stormers with Justin to help bake and hang for Cristian's bday Saturday. However I hadn't been able to fall asleep the past few days, so when they went out to Kalk Bay after the spoons game, I went to try and sleep because I had been a zombie. Was so strange. I slept however from 11pm to 11am so it helped. Sunday I was suppose to meet with my website man but never got in contact with him. Frustrated. I swam and did a bit of shopping at the market for food and a few gifts needed to send out. I didn't even make it to church thinking that I'd get the chance at night, missing the group that left. I spent again, time on the acronym of abstain.
I went to baseintercession this morning and we prayed for this Samoan couple who are here speaking on the DTS. They live in China and are working on so much there in that country wher eyou can't even speak about God and teaching Christianity in the communist country. It reminded me of when I was younger and I helped fundraise to send Bibles To China. Our church missionaries were going to smuggle the Bibles in. I never have felt called or desired to go to asian countries, but the concept of working behind closed doors, where people are becoming Christian's in secret is incredible. The country who's rising up in power over the world. Can you imagine if and when it's taken in the leaders with Christianity. We even prayed for the leaders who have their children in American schools for there to be some gateway of learning God's message. That sort of evangelism sounded a bit intriguing.
Well, I'ma zombie and needing to go to bed. I'm sorry Dad, I didn't have internet last night. I love you so so much!
God's going to be speaking.
Tomorrow my team is praying together, then Kenny again has to get his Visa stuff taken care of, but we're all going to attend the Traffic Proof training from Justice Acts about Human Trafficking. Then Daneeka and I are going to check out this lady's bead-making business to see prices etc.
Good night