Tuesday

Tuesday May 4th:
Today I feel like saying the Winnie the poo words, It’s a blustery day! Yes it’s kicked in. I just walked back from Fishoek thinking I’d get lucky with rain to cease and I was proven wrong. I was trying to spend what little time I feel I’ve given myself to pray and reach out to God. I try so hard to put Him in the forefront of my mind, however I feel everytime I invite the holy spirit in to try and show me my heart, I get all these ideas and things to do and ways to do them or do them better. Or I get how to let people know what I’ve been doing here or not been doing and why they have been going the way they are. I wish I could show the day to day interactions and glitches that hold me up from feeling more successful. I want to describe how I feel I’ve not still culturated myself within SA because I am still frustrated and trying to rate my life and days on what’s been accomplished more than how the day was. Remembering it’s relational and it’s about enjoying life; I suppose. At the same time I want to bring in elements of proper functioning. The way things could get done faster, better (in our westernized opinions), and with more support. I mean I tell you I walked home from Fishoek because I had a few Rand on me, and not enough for a simple R5 train ticket. So I bought a few apples and walked. This is all because this morning I went to my checking to get money out. From online banking it shows $400 in my account. However when trying to take R2000 out to pay rent and live on for food, train, airtime to contact people, even desiring to get my hair cut and possibly buy some warmer clothes like a jacket and pants for the winter because it’s creeping up and I haven’t much (more than most I presume then if I compared to the townships) and yet it said I didn’t have enough funds. I tried R1000 which is about $130 and it wouldn’t allow access saying I didn’t have the funds. I feel stupid now as if I haven’t been even thinking nor looking at how my funds were and trying to continually ask for help. It’s so hard to ask for help because then you feel you must have an explanation of where it’s going, what you’re doing, and I have this complete frustration with wanting to do so much and do more and more and yet this or that doesn’t happen or can’t or we work ona website for months because one day the web guy is there or another we don’t have internet connection or even another he or I don’t have airtime to reach one another. Plans NEVER work out as desired. So I struggle with trying to keep ‘face’ and let others know what’s going on and yet I wish I had a better ‘picture’ of what would seem achieved. If you look into that supporters update, I have dabbled into probably too much. However I feel if I don’t, then if one thing doesn’t work out or I have spare time and I’m not doing enough then I don’t deserve to be ‘sponsored’ to be here. With the ABSTAIN2010 project not launched as desired with even trying to get our website published with the final brochure funded to be printed to be distributed in the downtown yada yada yada…I just feel almost like a failure not with the desired outcomes. Then again I came into this country wanting to learn the culture, understand the people, see what is happening and how I can then step in where I fit and where desired…
Sorry have to run to my leadership meeting who’s covering my area and team.