Still desire to paint my nails

I feel in a strange mood today. It's Sunday and I spent last night in Stellenbosch with Lydia and her best friend Amore. We had an adventurous time getting out there from lil old Muizenberg. Honestly it took us almost 2 hours on train, when our lift back today from Cladie was only 45 min drive. Still we had a good time and Amore and the whole Afrikaans culture is very interesting. Even though the Uni is very prestigious and has many international students they all seem very fascinated by Americans. lol Never ceases to amaze me. But she cooked lovely meal for us, we had some wine, went to this lil bar and played foosball, dance and enjoyed one another's company. Lydia has such a heart! I truly enjoy her around. However I had this conversation again with her on the train there, on all my insecurities and coping with facing them. Or better yet, realizing them.
I mean I could have gone out Fri, but I didn't or at least didn't and haven't put in efforts. Then I complain of not doing enough or seeing enough. I also have had the trouble with my personality (which I should be grateful for and love because I am made in the image of God, but struggling always)and feeling that when there's a chance to meet new people, I choose that easier path. When going and nurturing relationships with those I already know, those I"m around all the time, family, friends, it's harder for me to get energy and I have no clue why. In the strengths Finder test, I have this personality train I think they call it Ohm, or something strange like that, where I absolutely get a joy in working a room. I love to walk in and meet everyone there. The nurturing relationships part is where I have trouble. People may laugh and say they're not surprised when this person or that person knows me, but that doesn't mean we're buddies. I mean I would instantly call someone my friend that I meet, but that doesn't mean we even know each other. I feel bad because I don't follow through with these relationships. My friend in Mississippi, Oregon, New Zealand, people here on base...I'm sorry. I however know that they're my friend, I love them, and another day I will see them. However this is why it was always an amazing time for me to party when I was younger because it was always thrilling, new adventurous. I hated when the weekends would end. Thinking that friends, boys specifically would be interested in the real Noel who was actually boring, plain, desired what others desire, insecurities, real and raw who often found things to talk about not possible. But the beauty in those moments when you can be in the presence of some one when it's awkward and unsure. Where those spaces between you two are uncertain. Even in a house where you live with roomates or perhaps a husband and you are right next to one another, maybe washing dishes or walking past, and you see them all the time, everyday, and yet you feel you should say something even just a lil laughter or small talk to not make it feel uncomfortable. Is it really though? Should there be calming? Why can't we live with what's real? WHy can't I? When things aren't smooth, that could possibly be the best time in life to understand yourself, others, and God. RIght?
I just feel many times socially awkward. I may not have energy to go out and perform. Or is it performing or bringin out the energy within. In the middle of last night I was on a roll cracking up with the girls, and today I had sparse words and then when Amore's friend came to visit I had so much to chat up about...someone new.
Then I face my life. My plans. Do I have plans? This campaign I worked on the past few months that I've absolutely lost passion for. If anyone wants to know more about what it is and about I just want to push them towards Justice ACts or others. I have come to the fact of haveing a website, brochure, power point with manual for those who want to use it, but what is it for? My sponsors, people who have said they can help print, hasn't come yet. No such luck, or is this how it's suppose to be? Am I not working hard enough? Am I lazy? If I tried over and over to get someone to help print this will I miss out on opportunities to be helping here with Jubilee, soccer thigns, outreach teams, and this possible opportunity to help Justice Acts in Joberg? I just have a real problem I think with guilt. I'm always feeling guilty these days, like I'm not doing enough, or I should have done this or done this or that better? Am I working enough? Does work define me? Am I ok if I didn't have "work"? Does the church who supports me feel they've wasted time and money? Do they find life and 'missions' through me successful? Does it matter? What makes it successful? Have I saved enough people? Have I reached those who need it?
This country has pushed me to being almost as fed up with it as I heard from those who came from here. Those people who told me, "don't go there, they don't want help." "Don't go there, it's hard to get anything done!" Is this where God wants me to come back? Can I come back and help knowing a need, but not being passionate? Is that for me to 'feel' to be somewhere, or just plain 'called' by God. The Spirit may not necessarily be a feeling, but it's just a belief as well. Knowing even when it's not felt that God and his spirit through Jesus Christ is there with me and through me. So, that must go along with work and things we do in this world. Do I want to go to practice and do I feel like going to practice? I must not get confused with feelings vs what's God's desire for me. I want to serve him. Yet I want to be fruitful. Did I work on this campaign to learn how to work with South AFrica? Did I learn to work on something else in the future? Did I just learn patience? Perhaps I never came here to learn but just to experience. Does there need to be preparations fro me to come? The way I FEEL right now, is that I don't want ot volunteer off of other people's funds in the future. At least not for a long extended period of time. I'm really struggling with the weight of school loans and lil debt coming and not ceasing. It's weighing and I feel worse that it's involving those around me I love. I know they care so much about me and don't want to see me in this hole. I also know that money isn't what depicts life and decisions. God's path is. But I think I can do things in this life where I can make money and live within this life and God. In fact, I would rather. I recently heard Amore say that she is going to go teach english in Korea after school to pay off loans in 1 year. I have instantly had that stuck in my head ever since. Go teach english, live somewhere else, and possibly play soccer. I remember that the Cascade Surge has this connectiong with Vienna and playing soccer there and getting paid. I could maybe do both? Is that selfish thinking? Oh what's to come next?
I do know I will be home and I NEED to work for awhile and stay. However, I have to calculate in months, time of years, school, soccer seasons, etc. for wherever I go. I do miss my mom and my best friend, my dad and even his dog :)
Kale inspires me. He's really doing it. Life's not always as chipper as it appears, but I know that he's pressing towards God and look at him now in Cayman Islands, in the sunshine, spreading his service for God and loving it. He worked hard for it. He has ahome. Do I need security? Do I want it only because I'm bring truly indecisive as the future and questions about what's next comes up?
I just hope that I don't look like a fool or a flake in the end of this crazy campaign. I wish God put more feeling into this human he made. At least the feelings of what I should be doing to help me 'feel' it's the right decision. I mean I remember learning about disciples and others in the Bible who said always, phrases like, "I feel that God is saying this..." "I am not sure, but I feel God saying.." Never a statement, of "God said to do this!" So when listening to prophet things and thinking God did this or that for a reason, to know and remember that he's never even said specifically flat out God told me this or that. Ah I feel I'm losing track here. I guess I didn't knwo what track I was on to begin with. However, let's get some sleep eh? Freezing here, however no rain :) Been calling pastors on our huge list to invite to the jubilee, faxing, and emailing invites. Hopefully we can get these huts done, get all thigns we need. I need a bit more motivation and confidence to be a leader. Lord I humble myself, and pray to be truly a child in your footsteps.
I love you, and goodnight!