Lost

Yeah it's not just a coldplay song, I really feel it. Man I was walking this morning at 6am again, with the monster walking team, still missing the gym :( but hey God is good all the time right? Find joy in the midst. It's hard though.
We're walking today, and Justine is talkign about this old lady at the Bay Church whom she's begun this relationship with and she has this daughter who is TB and HIV in her spine and is dying at only 29. Then her 3 or 5 kids are all running around the church, smelling like they're fresh outta the trash, and Justine and the girls were loving on them. The mom proceeds to sit haunched over the entire service becuase her spine is in such pain. THey have nothing! The daughter gets out of the hospital a few times a month to see her children adn go to church. She proceeds to tell Justine she has nothing for her malnourished children and the 2 year old looks 8 months old, and the daughter asked fo rdiapers and even some clothes for christmas.
I tell this one of thousands of stories because my point is, I hear that and cringe. I FEEL it I FEEL it all! I'm in this country where yes, everyone said it's overwelming, and it continues to overwelm and I"m not even in the townships!
I say I"m here to look into the country, learn the culture and people and see what is it they really need. Not come here thinking I know what they need.
BUT, I feel I start to scratch the surface, or check out this ministry, or this church, I meet a friend I meet someone on the train or street and the list goes and goes and goes. No you should help here no help here! I want to not just bring them outta pain and hopelessness but give them everlasting life and passion for God because he supplies our every need! He's the goal in this bit of time on this meaningless world here, because the real deal is coming.
Where do I start? God what can I do? God what can't I do?
I look into this campaign and many other ideas swirling in my head. My new friend from Africa Soccer doing this and that and filming this soccer team and that soccer ministry, and saying man the WC 2010 is 7 months away and you're doing this school? And i say the same. Then I say I came here to grow with God, but I feel like I choose to email 10 people and bypass the girl in the kitchen scrbbing dishes to help her because i have bigger and better things to kill more birds with one stone. RIght?
BUT, where do I start? Where the does the energy go? What does God want?
And is this my dream or His? Am I doing this for me or for them? If it's really for them, why am I shooting for the stars? I feel I'm needing ot be accepted. Not the kind where your clothes really matter, but I need to be accepted and meaningful and doing something to SAVE THE WORLD. What started that? Is it inate? Did it begin after the fundraiser in Mississippi? The mission trip to Mexico in 6th grade? Why is there this pressure? Do I feel it's the only way to put this umbrella over a situation that trickles down? Does every situation, country, need have to have a visionary like me and is it me?
I think about NZ already coming and trying to help with with filming and accommodation and what about this campagn and WOW I could get people like David Beckahm to help and more and what would that do for me? Is it for me? Would i be totally gracious to pass this along if someone else picked it up, to prove it's not MY dream but His dream for this world and children in His Kingdom?
What if the world was fine? What if the world didn't need a need? What would I do? Would I be ok just chillin? Would I feel I'm accepted and loved? Would I praise God everyday? Who am I trying to be a goddess to? Oh God I am lost.
Everyone is confessing these sins petty and large and growing and I feel nothing sometimes. I feel so great for them and look at myself and where am I trying to be accepted?
Didn't I kill my dream of soccer? If it's for me if my knee is to be used for that in the future God will give it to me and in better than ever, right? Right?
But what is this obsession? Do I have the standard of fitness and always being in my blood that I couldn't give it up, is that the problem? Could I? I only walk now. Someday I can barely do that. What about outreach? What do I do for those 2 and 1/2 months? Aren't I the soccer girl who's going to play with the kids, coach, excite? How can I do all this? Will I be healed by then?
Do I need surgery? Do I do surgery here?
What about that time on outreach with my team, hittin up this chuch and that and being in the community like in Swaziland. Is it better for me to be there doing that? What about this campagn idea and that community? I always look at the bigger picture. If I can help so much more than just a few isn't that better? RIght? What is 'better'? What lasts?
Saint Noel? Beggar Noel? Selfish Noel? What's the image? Do I need one? Do I have one?
I may now be understanding the passage a girl on base gave me that she felt God saying to her for me as she prayed. And then ironically, at that very same day in church, 10 minutes later, the pastor speaking opened up the Bible to this scripture to speak on. God is humorous.
1 Corinthians 1:26
Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influencial; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of teh world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of teh world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and despised things-and the things that are not-to nullify the things that are, so that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God-that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: "Let those who boast boast in the Lord."